Roaming Towards Myself

I never used to think I could do any of the things I’m doing now.

Did I ever imagine I would live so far away from the three most important people in my life, my children? Never. I didn’t even plan on living in another state, let alone another country. I sure as hell didn’t imagine I would live on the other side of the world.

Yet that is my new reality.

I never imagined that I would ever not feel at home in my birthplace, Australia.

Every time I returned from holidays over the years, there was always a warm, fuzzy feeling that overcame me as I flew back into Australia.

A few weeks ago, for the very first time, I didn’t get that feeling. It was replaced with feelings of dread and anxiety.

It was very unsettling to be flying into a country I have loved, my home for the past 56 years, and have these overwhelming feelings that I didn’t belong here anymore.

I used to think that if you loved somewhere, you naturally wouldn’t want to leave.

Over the past few months, I have come to the stark realisation that multiple things can be true at once, even if they seem like opposing ideas.

For example, I love Australia, and I’m proud to be Australian. That will never change. What has changed, though, is the feeling of belonging.

I don’t feel I belong here anymore.

And that feeling is both confronting and comforting at the same time.

It is confronting because it’s not a feeling I ever expected to have, and it’s comforting knowing I have found my place, where I do belong now, and it feels like home.

A Feeling I’ve Had All My Life

Throughout my life, from a very young age, I have always had a very strong sense of self. Indeed, my interests haven’t really changed much from my five-year-old self.

I have always felt, and been very open about, having a strong sense of not feeling that I belonged.

As a young child, teenager and adult, those feelings never went away.

Until now.

Now I have a strong sense of belonging on the other side of the world from everyone I love dearly.

Why this sense of belonging to the United Kingdom?

I mean, a vast majority of Australians have ancestors from the UK. If your sense of belonging was purely based on DNA, then I would be moving to England.

But I’m not. I’m looking to base myself in Scotland.

Technically, Scottish DNA is the largest group in my ancestry after England, but it is much smaller, so it isn’t just DNA.

My grandad was born in England, and all branches of my tree trace historically back through the United Kingdom. There are so many stories from my ancestors that I want to learn about and tell.

Could that explain the pull?

Possibly. Part of it.

I studied Ancient History in school, and as an avid reader from a very young age, I have loved reading about myths, folklore and haunted castles. Those are areas steeped in the building blocks of the United Kingdom.

Is this why?

Maybe.

Anyone who has ever known me knows I likely have more beanies, boots and jackets than most people in Australia. Perfect clothing for the other side of the world!

Why Scotland?

I think my pull towards Scotland is probably a combination of all those things.

Wanting to literally follow in the footsteps of my ancestors, learning their stories. Exploring ancient sites thousands of years old and learning about the myths and legends.

Marvelling at the dramatic landscapes and the adorable accents.

For me, it was a surprise. It was never in my plan to live on the other side of the world.

But now it just feels like I’m going home, and I have no anxiety about the move, which I find strange myself.

But it sits right with me.

Will I miss my boys, my family and friends terribly? Yes, of course.

But I know this is where I need to be.

My life has changed. Australia has a lot of traumatic memories for me. Immense sadness and, of course, very happy memories as well.

I’m not naive enough to think I’m not going to be hurt again just because I’m changing countries.

But I will have my safe place, my home.

I will read my books in front of the fireplace. I will grow my flowers in flower boxes on all my windows. I will buy bloody warm clothing for when I’m exploring. I may or may not eat haggis again!

But at the end of the day, I’m going to sit in front of my roaring fire, reading a book, writing some poetry whilst drinking a glass of wine.

And I will be calm. I will be settled. I will be at peace.

Because I am now finally home, in a place I at last found I belong.

More from my travels

You can also read about why my curiosity inspires me to travel, exploring Edinburgh for free, and my thoughts on moving overseas.